NaBloPoMo day 30: I’m done!

LotusI’m done! I made it through National Blog Posting Month, and managed to blog every day for the entire month. There were days when I wanted to throw in the towel, there were days when I wanted to stomp my feet in refusal, and there were days when what I wrote left a sour taste in my mouth. My Inner Critic and Writer’s Block were conspiring against me on numerous occasions, and they almost won at times. There were unexpected circumstances that threw me off, but in the end fueled some great posts. And this writing, non-stop for 30 days, gave me some clarity and discipline.  All in all, it’s been a rewarding experience. So in closing, I am going to leave you with a list of what I’ve gained in the last 30 days.

  1. Determination. I kept going even when I wanted to stop. This will get me far.
  2. Kept promises. I promised myself that I would blog until the end, and I did. Never underestimate the value of a promise.
  3. Time to reflect. Every day I had to be present with my thoughts. I reflected on my day, how I felt, where I was going.
  4. Clarity and healing. This is a byproduct of reflection. I was able to make more sense of my life around me. I was able to sit with my heartbreak.
  5. New appreciation. I bought my first book of poems, and I even dabbled in some of my own. Sometimes less is more.
  6. New followers. My blog has never been ogled this much. Within the last 30 days, I’ve gained at least 10 new followers, and reached over 200 Likes!
  7. Appreciation for my own voice. I can’t believe I am going to admit this, but sometimes I would review my writing, and think Wow…..this lady can write! 
  8. More articulate. Sometimes I’m at a loss for words, but this blogging marathon has helped me articulate my voiced thoughts in a more eloquent manner.
  9. Motivation to pursue other challenges. In the grand scheme of things, blogging for 30 days in a row is a small feat, but it has motivated me to pursue greater things, and take risks.

When I set out on NaBloPoMo, I wanted to explore my transition back to the west after living in Asia. I wanted to get back to the root of my blog.  In the beginning, I was doing this, but then I got side-tracked. One thing I’ve learned from living abroad is that you need to adapt to your circumstances, and so that is what I did. I started writing from my heart. It wasn’t always pretty, but it was real. And that is who I am —not always pretty, but real.

 

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NaBloPoMo day 29: let it snow

Snow

When I woke up this morning, I never expected snow. Although the weather report on my phone read -3, I never expected to find white stuff on the ground. It was such a beautiful surprise. I’ve always loved snow – it’s so magical. I know some of you are rolling your eyes, but I haven’t seen enough of it in my lifetime. It still holds a special place for me. It’s my Christmas when I was 4 years old. It’s my trips to Alberta to visit my grandma. It’s snow angels in my backyard. It’s so many wonderful memories. I hope it sticks around. Let it snow.

image

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NaBloPoMo day 28: simple solutions

Simple Solutions

Sometimes they are the ones that are right in front of us.

Sometimes they are the ones we overlook.

Sometimes they make such simple sense.

But our hearts and heads get all intertwined, and we can’t get out.

We don’t want to take the chance.

We don’t see the moment we are in.

Our perspective narrows, and we look at things from only one angle.

We don’t see the possibilities.

We simply don’t ask.

What if there is another way?

We just assume we know the answer already.

But maybe we really don’t know.

takeachance

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NaBloPoMo day 27: million things to say

When you have a million things to say, sometimes nothing comes out. It’s all there on the tip of your tongue, but somehow it won’t leave your mouth. You search your head, you search your heart, for just the right words. Nothing seems to fit. All your thoughts are fragmented, only coherent to you. This is when you wish he could read your heart. You wish he knew the words that rest inside, the words you long to speak. You search his eyes, hoping for a sign that he knows.

at the beach

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NaBloPoMo day 25: Work it out

Maybe I don’t give such realistic breakup advice. On NaBloPoMo day 17, I suggested that sweating it out is better than crying it out. That’s not always true, especially if you haven’t been sleeping or eating right. I know this from first-hand experience. Tonight as I was running up and down on my step in SWEAT class (yes, it is all in caps), I lost my balance and fell backwards. I didn’t land gracefully, but I managed to pick myself up and keep going. I even managed to fight off my spontaneous tears that have been making regular appearances lately.

tears

Sometimes you need to just work it out, and keep going. That is what I am learning day by day. I’m not sure if it is getting any easier, but I’m grateful for each new day that comes. And I have moments where I’m actually able to see the humour in all of this. I imagine it was a comical sight watching me fall on my bum in the middle of class tonight. And then there was hot pot and Google translate with my student. I still feel a bit guilty for driving her to smoke a cigarette. Only a little guilty. And I’ve been sporting a Gothic look these days, as I refuse to wear waterproof mascara. Sometimes I am able to laugh at myself. As painful as this all is, I know that in the end things will work out how they’re supposed to, and I’ll keep going.

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NaBloPoMo day 26: Daydreaming & letter writing

Hindu offeringLately, I’ve been doing a lot of daydreaming. That’s what I like to call it, but sometimes my mind is just blank ~ I’m not here. My mind wanders away from me, and I am unaware of the world around me. I’ll be sitting on a bench reading a book, and then I’ll drift off. Sometimes it happens when I am with my students, and then I use it as a teaching moment. “Do you know what it means to daydream?” Then we’ll talk about our daydreams. Maybe it is a kind of meditation. Maybe it is my way of making sense of my reality.

I’ve always been a daydreamer. I’m not sure why. There are so many possibilities, so many choices. I’m left wondering if I made the right decision. What if I had done things differently? What if I had never moved to Thailand? What if I didn’t say “Yes!” to the date? What if I had never sent that message? Perhaps, it would be like this or like that. I daydream about the other outcome. It’s not living in the past, present, or future. It’s living in my head. And I know it’s not always healthy. I’m not embracing my reality.

Lately, I’ve been drawing blanks, or filling up pages. I sit in quiet contemplation, and welcome the nothingness that enters. There is something calming and peaceful about it. It is a reprieve from my heartache. Then, I also welcome the random, and crafted thoughts that could fill an entire novel or a lengthy letter. Sometimes they are so eloquently put together, that they bring me clarity. They are letters to myself, letters of love and compassion. They are letters to that special someone, letters of love and gratitude. They are letters that I don’t know how to write. They are the letters that reside in my daydreams, and in my heart.

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NaBlopoMo day 24: Morning writing

Usually, I’m a late-night blogger, but today I’m switching it up. I’m going to get some writing done, before I head to work. Lately, writing has been a chore, something that is on my to do list. Once I get into it, I enjoy it, but sometimes I don’t get to that point. When I set out on this challenge, I wanted to deviate from my random writing patterns, but then I was derailed. However, I am still writing, and that is the main point of this 30-day blogging challenge. I’m proud of myself for not throwing in the towel. The old me would have.

I am becoming a new me. I don’t know when it started, but I am changing my habits, and perspectives. I’m opening up to new possibilities. Sometimes I slip back, sometimes I am overwhelmed, but for the first time in 2 years I am thinking maybe, just maybe, my life is in the west. When I started writing this blog it was to reconcile my longing for the east, and my internal protest to living in the west. Slowly, I’m getting there. I’m connecting with people who have spent time in both worlds, I’m becoming part of the fabric of society, and not just a freelancer that sits in coffee shops.

As much as I love working for myself, and setting my own schedule, it can be isolating. It makes it harder to make connections. I don’t understand the  9 to 5 grind, and I’m not sure I want to, but I do want a taste of stability.

Well, my chariot (bus) is waiting, so I better head out. I’m going to publish now, as this is morning writing. In the afternoon, I’ll add some finishing touches.

cherryBlossoms

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NaBloPoMo day 23: Writer’s block sealed with a kiss

I’ve run into Writer’s Block in disguise. I could pour my heart out, let it weep all over the page, but she’s telling me to write more, more of what makes my heart sing. In this place, I can’t remember what makes my heart sing, so I’m dealing with Writer’s Block. A few months ago, I turned to some great writers – Lamott, and 2 Goldberg’s – for some help. I’ve only cracked Bonnie Goldberg’s  Room to Write (Penguin/Putnam,1996) a few times, but never used any of the prompts. Today, that is going to change. I just opened the book to a random page, and these are the words looking up at me – Say it with a kiss. Not really what I want to think about right now, but I’m going to give it a go. A little fictional kiss.

*****

When she was with him, she seemed to forget about the world around her. She was just there with him, soaking up his words, and memorizing the lines on his face. He had such a beautiful face when he smiled, a smile just for her. As they sat with their backs to the ocean, she watched his lips, and wondered what it would be like to feel them on hers. As these thoughts crossed her mind, she could feel herself blushing, hoping he wasn’t a mind reader. Perhaps, he was. He took her hand in his, and traced the lines on her palm, the lines of the heart and head. Was he in that moment with her? Just the two of them. She closed her eyes, and breathed in the salty, ocean air. When she opened her eyes, he was still there. Their eyes locked, and they met half-way, their lips touched softly. It was soft, warm, tender — no hesitation. They were exactly where they wanted to be.

kiss

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NaBloPoMo day 22: Time for a poem

Time

Too fast, too slow

Not enough, too much

Time flies, time lingers on

They say, “Time heals.”

How much time do I need?

When will I stop feeling this aching inside?

What is going to fill this this void left behind?

Where am I going to find the strength?

Why can’t I just fast forward or rewind?

Time, it has its own way.

 

Time

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NaBloPoMo day 21: first book of poems

LangLeavI have a confession. I’ve never been a fan of poetry. It’s too abstract and vague. By the time I think I understand a poem, the words have bled together on the page. In life there are enough uncertainties, things left undone, and reading between the lines, so when I curl up with a book, I want to escape that. I want to read a book with a beginning, middle, and end. That’s the way life is, right? Lately, I’ve been wondering if it is that simple, so I bought my first book of poetry by Lang Leav. It turns out there is a beginning, middle, and end to her Lullabies (Andrews McMeel, 2014), but she calls them Duet, Interlude, and Finale. I guess it’s not so abstract, even I can work with that.

*****

Love (Duet). I wasn’t prepared for it. It swept over me slowly, at first a simple joy that began to stir in my heart, then it shone through my eyes, and then overflowed into my life. My days became brighter, and I felt a certain certainty. A certainty that this was right, this was equal, this was love.

Up and down (Interlude). Love had taken a hold of me, even though I couldn’t utter the words. It was undeniable, he had my heart. Even though we had 7 weeks apart, we were always connected in some way. My love kept growing stronger. When he needed me I was there….even when he didn’t. And he was there for me, too. His sweetness showed me he cared. His touch showed his love, even though he could not utter the words. We weren’t perfect, but we had honesty and respect.

Breaking (Finale). Two different worlds colliding. Hoping the other would change, hoping the other would have patience. No longer meeting half-way. Reaching out, but not connecting. Still in love, but not knowing how to move forward.

*****

Thank you, Lang Leav, for your poems, your strands of love, loss, and hope. They have found me at a time when I need them. Each one of your poems speaks to me, letting me know that I’m not the only one who has been here.

Over My Head

I count his breaths,
in hours unslept,
against hours of him,
I have left.
With him lying there,
with him unaware,
I am out of my depth.
 
- Lang Leav
 
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